~DeeRose

has a thorn.

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Connections.

Sun Jun 28, 2009, 12:07 AM

_{My brother emailed me to tell me that my dad was going to email me to make peace. This is not of his own volition. Someone told my dad to do it; to 'make peace in the family.' He surely wouldn't have gone out of his way to email me otherwise. My brother said 'with all your heart, just agree with him and tell him you love him so he doesn't get mad...and you and him can recreate another relationship."

You know, I don't really know what I want from my dad and I'm not really sure that I want to recreate another relationship. If anything, I'm fine on my side of the country. How can I recreate a relationship that I'm not sure that I want? And how can I tell a man I love him if it's not heartfelt?

I don't have many family values. Being adopted changed my view on family. I felt like more of an outcast at home than actually a part of something. When everyone else was watching a movie, I was by myself drawing or chatting on the computer. I had no interest in hanging around them. Perhaps I'm not very close to them because I never put in the effort to be on that level with them. Whichever way, I didn't belong there. So how can I reconnect with someone when there wasn't a connection to begin with? Why bridge the gap to subject myself to the same old bullshit I had gone through? It makes no sense to patch things up when it needs more than a patch. It needs some reconstruction; something that would take time that I don't have or want to give up.

So I get this email and it was not what I had expected. Perhaps I expect too much and get so little in return. It was basically small talk; "yeah, we're doing fine..yaddayadda hope you're doing well too." That barely scratches the surface of the many issues we have between each other and I felt like it was a cop out or maybe that's his idea of making peace with me. My idea was putting everything out there, settling our differences and moving on with our lives. Instead, I got some water cooler conversation. Maybe what I want from this is some true understanding. I was never understood (how angsty is that?) and I think they still fail to understand. And if they can't ask the right questions, then I guess I won't have the right answers.}

8 Comments

Mood: Angsty
Listening to: some relaxation music.
Reading: as I type.
Watching: the time pass.
Playing: nothing.
Eating: nada.
Drinking: nuffin.

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~Flakbadger Jun 28, 2009, 1:08:19 AM

Wow.

Well it occurs to me that if you're trying to "make" a relationship just to make your brother happy, it's not something you really want. Now this whole thing sounds like a giant pain in the ass that you don't want to have to deal with. So ultimately, yeah, the decision is yours to make. But you shouldn't let it dominate you, either.

*sigh*

I'm not really sure what to say, except that I will unfailingly support you, and you always know how to reach me, if you need to.

--
"In the game of chess you can never let your opponent see your pieces." ~Zapp Brannigan

~DeeRose Jun 28, 2009, 1:38:27 AM

You're right. I agreed to be agreeable with my father mainly because it's not me who has to live with an angry, obnoxious man. My brother has to live with it and if this is what it takes to make life a little easier for him, I'll do it. And yeah, I don't really want to create a new relationship with my father. Someone had to nudge him to talk to me, so that means whatever he said to me wasn't really him and how he really feels. It would have been nice to get some honesty out of it, even if it hurts.

You can't make any progress if you can't address the problems that are hindrances. This little emotional traffic jam isn't something I want to deal with. I tried earlier this year to clear things up and nothing really came of that. That was the perfect opportunity and he lost it. So to come forward to me with petty talk is like a waste of time.

Sorry to ramble. Thanks Mattfayse.

--
_{_{I'm fuckin' it real.

A rose blooms in the desert.}}

~Flakbadger Jun 28, 2009, 2:09:08 AM

Jeeeeeez.

No apologies, ramble all you want!

--
"In the game of chess you can never let your opponent see your pieces." ~Zapp Brannigan

*Cloxboy Jun 28, 2009, 1:40:36 PM

"And if they can't ask the right questions, then I guess I won't have the right answers."

Can't argue with that. Hope things work out for you.

--
Cloxboy's website: [link]

~DeeRose Jun 28, 2009, 1:46:53 PM

Thanks J, I hope they do too.

--
_{_{I'm fuckin' it real.

A rose blooms in the desert.}}

`davincipoppalag Jun 29, 2009, 6:53:56 AM

Well.. you should never tell someone you love them if you don't ..so it's just as well that didn't come up in the small talk. Anyway.. WE love you Dee